Interview with Mr. Tambourine Man

MG: Hey Mr.Tambourine Man.
TM: Hey.
MG: How have you been?
TM: Pretty good.
MG: That's nice.
TM: Yeah.
MG: Will you play a song for me?
TM: No. No way.
MG: Why the hell not?
TM: I don't do that anymore.
MG: You're an asshole.
TM: Hey, fuck you buddy.
MG: Watch it. I'll go jingle-jangle upside your head.
TM: This interview is over.

song titles that will forever fill me with bitterness because i didn't think of them

• the chrome plated megaphone of destiny - Frank Zappa
• in a cold-ass fashion - Beck
• ventilator blues - Rolling Stones
• negasonic teenage warhead - Monster Magnet
• take the veil cerpin taxt - The Mars Volta
• dust can't kill me - Woody Guthrie
• contract on the world love jam - Public Enemy
• ...and the gods made love - Jimi Hendrix
• destroy tambourine - North of America {ha ha, urine}
• supernaut - Black Sabbath
• memory is paralax - Buck 65
• killed by a horse - Buck 65
• capitalism stole my virginity - T(I)NC
• truck drivin' neighbors downstairs - Beck
• no, i'm iron man - Butthole Surfers
• bootylicious - Destiny's Child

fact

that's right, bitches. i own the summertime.
y'all are just leasing it from me.
celebrate.

sortie d'urgence

the only real authority figure on the train is a muscular, bald, goateed man with a strange accent. every hour or so he swings by with a snack cart, smiling, offering coffee and sweets. DON'T BE FOOLED. once i start eating weed infused brownies, sneaking whiskey and laughing like a jackal this man will become a feared enemy. i hate to judge by appearance, but he seems the type who wouldn't hesitate to snap the neck of an unruly, drug addled passenger.
stay cool. sleep will not come easy tonight.

secret yearning number fourteen

i wish more people would call me Sparky.
.....

five dollars cover

-one leftover can labatt blue
-three cans bavaria 8.6
-numerous bottles of cheap domestic
-various amounts of tequila/jagermeister

the Burdocks played an exceptional show at the Attic on friday. tight. lots of new tracks. there was a good crowd and i spent most of the breaks dispensing cigars and jagermeister to my affiliates. also scored some patio action. although our panel of experts has deemed Cheers 'sketchy at best' that new patio is prime fucking real estate.
[editors note: much thanks to the attractive young lady who said bless you after my almost embarassingly massive fit of sneezing.]

five things not to do while experimenting with LSD

• go to a job interview (good luck)
• get a tattoo (i promise you will hate it when this shit wears off)
• call the Mayor (or maybe you should)
• start a fight with a cop (yeah)
• go to the dentist (can you imagine?)

bad clown names

Linty the Clown
Whiskey the Clown
Stabby the Clown
Herman the Naked Clown
Klu Klux Klown
Scabs
Death Clown
Smokey the Fire Clown
Monolithic Randall the Psychedelic Nightmare Clown
Diapers the Clown
Nibbles the Dog Beating Clown
Fingers the Clown
Goldie the Pissing Clown
Needles the Clown
Shitty the Clown

i'll sell smokes to anyone

especially the very young, midgets, albinos, idendical twins and professional gamblers.
if you give me your Subway stamps, you'll recieve a free lighter.
color of your choice, of course.

police

cop: 'you're under arrest, son.'
me: 'yeah, maybe some other time buddy.'