closure (the good kind)

ok.
i haven't been here in eons.
but i should let all of you know what i'm doing now.

visual webcomic!!

boat-misser

multiple daily Twitter nonsense!!

BindleParty

also: the film version of a post that lies within these very pages (Beachcomb Revue)has just been accepted into the Brooklyn International Film Festival. in Brooklyn!

also also: more exciting new projects to come. for upadtes on those, check the Twitter. i think sneakin' out is fine just the way it is, so i'm going to leave it exactly like this. forever. thanks for all your comments, encouragement and high fives over the years.

peace, love and mirth;
Mike Gillis

know what i bet would teach those Evolution hating, extreme right Christians a thing or two?

fossils of Jesus.

incumbent beware

City Mayor.
is there any other title that inspires more respect, fear and adoration than that?
of course there is. Galactic Overlord.
but i'm not running for Galactic Overlord.
i'm running for Mayor.
"but how will you win? you have no knowledge of the political process. you don't pay your taxes. you don't even own a suit."
those things are probably true, but they shall not deter me.
because i've already won.
that's actually my campaign slogan: I've Already Won.
todays modern voters dig confidence.
also: people hate taking time out of their oh so important schedule to head down to the polls, or voting arena, or whatever you call it. if they think someone (me) has already won, why would they put themselves through the hassle of pulling a lever or punching a card?
they wouldn't.
that would be crazy.
and a vote for no one may as well be a vote for me.
i'm almost certain that's how these things work.
but a catchy slogan and the possibility of voter confusion aren't always enough. no siree.
i don't want a 'win'.
i want a 'rim destroying slam dunk from center court'.
and that's where my billboards come in.
until now, every election poster ever in the history of recorded election posters has looked exactly the same.
- challenger's name
- smiling headshot of the challenger
- challenger's slogan in a pleasing and easy to read font
the only, and exceedingly rare, variations to this formula are "challenger giving a thumbs up" and a small graphic flourish, like a star or a check mark.
that's weak.
modern voters want a little 'zazz' in their campaign propaganda.
that's why my posters will be gigantic.
i'll still be smiling, but more of a "you know you want it" smile as opposed the the classic "you can trust me, i'm old" smile.
and it'll be a full body shot.
and i'll be wearing a top hat and maybe a tasteful cape.
my left hand will be clenching a large sack of money.
and my right, a long, thick chain. at the other end of which is the Devil, whom i've beaten and captured for the good of the people.
the font? Iron Maiden.
my slogan you already know.
and if you already know it, it must be true.
so vote. or don't.
it doesn't even matter.
see you in October.

three ways to make a not very interesting film more interesting

1. - add crosshairs. you know in a spy flick, when a sniper looks through his eyepiece, and it shows you what he's seeing with the crosshairs superimposed? do that, but superimpose the crosshairs over the WHOLE MOVIE. even if it's not a spy flick. especially if it's not a spy flick. this will give the audience a feeling of constant anticipation, like, "when's he gonna shoot these people?". but, since it's the audience who are peering down through the crosshairs, this technique may also add an existential element to the picture. like, "when are WE gonna shoot these people?". that's way more interesting.

2. - add a CG ghost of a deceased person. not as a character, and not as a part of the plot or narrative; just have them kind of float by at random intervals. maybe howling and rattling chains if you're feeling dramatic. the trick to making this method work is absolute denial. when people/the press come up to you after a screening and say "man, that CG ghost of John Candy was weird", hit them with a confused look and claim that you have no idea what they're talking about. maybe imply that they're crazy if you're feeling dramatic. after doing this a few times the public will pick up on it and conclude that your film must be haunted. and if i learned anything at Bible Camp, it's that haunted = interesting.

3. - try smoking some weed. and throw some boobs in there.

goth on a bike

now there's something you don't see everyday.

people who need people are the luckiest people in the world

i like helping people.
helping people makes people feel awesome, which means more high fives for me and/or me feeling better about myself.
here are three ways i've decided to help people.

1. - dress like Santa
"everyone loves Santa!" not true. only kids like Santa. the problem is, all kids today know Santa is fake. the best time to be Santa probably would've been in the 50's, when kids still thought he was real, (but this is problematic because the 50's were also the time when suspicious parents were most likely to accuse Santa of being a "spineless commie". which he was. [is?]). anyway, i would dress like Santa and entertain not children, but puppies. just hop into the suit and roll around in a kennel full of orphaned puppies for a few hours. delightful. this would actually be a two-pronged attack of people helpage. firstly, the puppies would be happier, having been visited by Old Saint Nick, thus making whoever adopted them happier still. secondly, immediately after the Great Xmas Puppy Frolic, i'd go visit some lonley and destitute homeless folk, cheering them up by a) being Santa, and b) reeking of fresh puppy. i can see them now, huddled around a cliched but moderately warm thrashcan fire, that first wrinkled face looking up and noticing me, seeing the beard and big red coat and happily exclaiming, "hey fellas! look! it's Gary!".

2. - be a 911 switchboard operator
manning the phone lines for 911 is a great way to help in and of itself. but i've come up with a way to help even more. picture an hysterical wife calling. "oh my god! oh my god! my husband is trapped under the mower! please pleaase help!". i understand ma'am. please remain calm. i've notified an ambulance and they're on their way. now go to your husband, and tell him i've also notified Batman. he'll be there shortly. bam. the wife will calm instantly, because she thinks Batman is coming to fix everything. the husband, even if he is seconds from death, will somehow, deep from within, find the will and the strength to hang on a little longer. because he wants to meet Batman. this method also helps the real paramedics, giving them more time to do their job properly AND giving them an opportunity to discuss Batman during a call, which i'm sure they rarely get to do. is Batman even a doctor? i would say yes, he probably is.

3. - always carry a lighter or matches
always carry a lighter or matches in case a hot girl who smokes asks you for a light.

typecast much?

i've often wondered about the people who answer casting calls for physically repulsive roles in movies and television shows. and i don't mean repulsive roles like "monster from space"; i mean repulsive roles like "morbidly obese herpes lady with no eyes" or "disgusting filth covered wino".
then i started thinking about my favorite cinematic filth covered wino of all time*, Vance Colvig Jr. from "Weird Al" Yankovic's 1989 comedy classic 'UHF'.
then i wondered what other notable roles V.Colvie has graced us with over the years.
so i looked it up on the internet.
i couldn't believe how easy it was!
thanks, AOL.
here is a partial list (pinched from IMDb.com):

One-Eyed Man
Bum
Bum
Old Man
Mr. Ellis
Clownie
Uncle Willard
Hezekiah
Man With Newspapers
Alcoholic Man
Chairman
Old Man
Wino
Bum
Mr. Pechar
Bozo The Clown (!)

that's right kids. the man who portrayed the biggest, most loved non-fastfood clown of all time spent his life portraying bums, winos, alcoholics and Uncle Willard.
suddenly the future's not looking quite so bright for Morbidly Obese Herpes Lady.
hang in there babe. we'll be your eyes.
(we totally don't have to be her eyes. she can't even read this. NO ONE read this aloud to her.)

* -seriously, if you can show me a more convincing filth covered wino (in a film; not for real. i see enough of those) i'll buy you a meal of your choice. from Taco Bell's Big Value Menu.